My dear sweet Stanley,
I don’t know how to do this. You were such an enormous part of our lives and everywhere I look I see you and I feel you. My heart is so incredibly broken. I can’t breathe and I can’t stop crying and I really don’t know what to do. Yesterday was one of the most challenging days of my life- to experience such polar emotions was almost more than I could handle… Saying goodbye to you was the most gut wrenching experience of my life, and then celebrating Lennox‘s second birthday party and putting on a brave face was almost just as painful. I’ve been looking forward to this birthday party for so long and I never thought I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it whole heartedly. But a piece of me was missing. A piece of me IS missing. You were my first baby, my little man who started loving me when I was younger and single and alone. You gave me he opportunity to love and learn how to be a mommy. You have always been my little man. Please make sure Sophie’s OK. I’m so worried. She’s never known life without you. Please always send comfort and Love to Lennox when he feels alone or scared. And please kiss him when he is celebrating beautiful moments. He’s asked about you a couple times and I just freeze and don’t know how to answer, so I change the subject. I can’t tell him just yet. And how would a two year old understand, anyway…? Everyone says this gets easier with time, and I pray that is true, but right now I feel so incredibly lost. Our home doesn’t feel as warm without you in it. I do hope this vacant feeling gets easier…
Thank you from my entire being for loving us so unconditionally. Thank you for teaching me what that is and what it looks like. I’m sorry I let your quirks bug me. That is something I will always regret. Looking back I wish I wouldn’t have gotten annoyed that you were always under my feet, tripping me. That you seemed to only really care about food and more food and more food. That you’d pee on the floor when you were mad at us. Looking back those were such small things to be frustrated about. I’m disappointed in myself for that. I’m sorry if you were trying to tell me something was wrong and I didn’t see the signs, or perhaps I convinced myself that they weren’t there out of fear. I mean, you were still running up the stairs and barking at Sophie but yes, you started sleeping more and more most days and you didn’t want to walk on walks. I just thought you were being lazy and wanted to lay in the bottom of Lennox’s stroller getting a free ride. But then you started walking in circles all day and I knew that something was wrong. And then you stopped eating and drinking. Watching that is what really killed me. Trying to feed you out of my hand like I did when you were a puppy was truly experiencing your life full circle. I could see you giving up and I know you were telling us it was time, and we had honor that. Right now the only thing that brings me peace is that you are no longer in pain, thank God. But even still, our hearts are shattered and I really don’t know how to mend them. So please look over daddy and me too, and let us know that somehow you are OK. That you are no longer in pain and you are happy. We love you so much, little boy. You will be in our hearts forever and ever. May you Rest In Peace and light. Like Daddy said, we hope you find a boyfriend in heaven.
With more gratitude than I can ever muster, thank you. Thank you for loving us.