mom guilt

On Monday around 5am, Lennox woke me up asking for water. It was a bit of an unusual request, but I didn’t think much of it as I was half asleep. I went down stairs, got his water bottle and then situated him back in bed. I started to snuggle with him for a few minutes when I realized he was burning up- Let me backtrack a little bit. The night before we were eating dinner a little later than usual, around 7:15pm. Lennox got a few bites in and then started dozing off right at the table. We thought it was our ski trip to Mammoth finally catching up with the little guy- none of us slept well while we were in the mountains and we were all pretty exhausted. I carried him upstairs, had him go potty and then brushed his teeth. He was already wearing sweatpants, a T-shirt and a long sleeve shirt and I didn’t want to wake him up even more, so I decided he could sleep in what he was wearing. So at 5am my first thought was he was simply overheated. I took off his sweatpants and his long sleeve shirt leaving him in underwear and a T-shirt. I grabbed the thermometer and his temp was 103.4. I stayed in bed with him for about 30 minutes monitoring his temp and watching it slowly go down. My husband and I decided to give him Tylenol regardless if it was a fever or he was simply overheated. Lennox fell back asleep and started softly snoring so I decided to go back to bed and grab a couple hours of sleep before we had to get ready for his first day back to school. When it was time to wake up, Lennox was all smiles and happy as usual. His temperature was about 99 but that’s not uncommon for him as he runs warm. We got dressed and ready for school like any other day. At drop-off, I explained to the teacher our early morning experience and she said it didn’t sound like a fever to her either and she’d let me know if anything were unusual at school. I went home for the couple of hours I have to myself, and prepared to get back into the swing of things. About 45 minutes later, the school calls me and says Lennox has a fever of 103, the chills and he’s laying in the office freezing. My mom guilt takes over. I get right back in the car and head to school to pick him up. The sweet little guy is again all smiles while saying, “Mommy, I’m so cold.” He explains that he told his teacher he was shivering so hard. 😔 As I look at this sweet little innocent soul, not only am I proud of him, but my heart is breaking that I didn’t catch this. That I didn’t automatically think, “this is a fever.” My son had a fever of 103… 😔

We get in the car and go straight to his pediatrician. It turns out he has the flu and a pretty bad ear infection in one ear. The doctor keeps asking Lennox if his ear has been bothering him, and he keeps telling her no. I also have to tell you that he had a cough for about three weeks but never a fever, so my husband and I just decided to monitor it. (In December we were at the doctor twice for a cold and they kept saying there’s nothing to do because it’s just a virus.) A couple days before we headed up to Mammoth we had a conversation about whether or not Lennox should go to the doctor. Again, because this cough was never accompanied by a fever, we continued to give him Manuka honey and vitamins. The doctor thought the change in pressure from being high up in the mountains and coming back home to sea level could be the culprit for the ear infection. Who knows how he got the flu? 😓 Ain’t flu season fun???

I know little ones get sick all the time. I know it’s really hard to tell exactly what’s going on with their bodies when they can’t fully tell us yet. I accept that. But there was something about this time he got sick that really upset me. I was upset with myself. I talked to a few friends who made me feel a bit better. They reminded me that kids catch everything and how are we always to know? That schools are a petri dish and it’s good for them to get sick and strengthen their immune systems. I’m grateful for my community, my loving friends and these awesome parents I’m surrounded by. I don’t know what I would do without you guys. 🙏🏻 You know who you are…❤️

It turned out that Lennox was only home from school for three days and is now happier than ever. We’re almost done with antibiotics and definitely on the mend. What I’ve learned through this experience this time around, is to not be so damn hard on myself. To trust my mommy instincts even more and give myself grace when I’m not perfect. Does this sound familiar to any of you? Are you also very hard on yourself? If you said yes, let’s do this together. Let’s give ourselves a pat on the back and some grace! We should be proud of how much we love our littles and how we do everything in our power to keep them safe and happy. It’s 2020. Let’s start some new habits and be gentler with ourselves. I’m talking about myself here, but if you’re in the same boat, I’m happy to support you as well. 

Thank you for reading this post. Please share your stories and advice in the comments if you feel so inclined. 
Xoxo

Amy ♥️