When I think about the first month after Lennox was born, what comes to mind is immense joy, mixed with so many tears. So many… Sometimes it’s hard to recall how challenging my postpartum depression was and what I feel like I missed out on, but I can’t change what happened and those were the cards I was dealt. I do believe that incredibly difficult and emotional time period has helped mold me into the mommy I am today and for that I am truly grateful… I try so hard to be present with my son and take in every experience, and when I fail at that I feel horrible. Major mom guilt. Now obviously my expectations are completely unrealistic at times, which is something else I’m working on. I think it’s that I felt so disconnected that first month postpartum, and honestly many months that followed, that it’s been so important to me to take time and really focus on Lennox. I’m not sure if postpartum depression goes away, at least it hasn’t for me quite yet. I definitely get bouts of it here and there and maybe it’s just a reminder for me to take a step back, be in the moment, and focus on what’s really important. I’m also raising a tiny human which brings about immense emotions that I wasn’t prepared for. Do you feel or have you felt the same way as well? Now that Lennox is 18 months old, we have definitely gotten into our own groove. The relationship we have created is the most unique connection I’ve ever had. ❤️ I learn more and more about my son and myself on a daily basis, as he teaches me how to be a better person, a better mommy, and how to have more patience! Do I burst into tears every now and then? I absolutely do! Maybe once a day?! Lol! Most of the time it’s for something silly and nonsensical, but nonetheless it throws me off kilter for a moment and I have to really focus my energy to get back on track.
I mentioned that for a long time I looked at my postpartum depression and was absolutely crushed because it felt like I missed experiences. But now that enough time has passed, I’m able to actually be grateful for that challenging time and know that it was part of my path and part of my growth. Like I said, without my postpartum depression I would not be the mommy I am today, and I do feel that it has made me stronger and more resilient.
For any of you amazing mommy’s suffering with postpartum depression, please know that you are not alone. Please speak with your doctor and ask for assistance. I was fortunate to have three doctors point out to me that I would benefit from taking medication to help assist me with this challenging time- which I resisted at first but then finally gave into. It wasn’t until then that the fog lifted and I was able to really experience new motherhood. I’m definitely not saying that is the only way to go, but it worked for me, and if you think it may work for you I definitely think it’s something to look into. If not, possibly therapy or getting into a mommy group where you are all experiencing similar situations at the same time. I have been in a mommy group since Lennox was 5 month old and it’s an incredible resource for me. It may work wonders for you as well. 🙏🏻
My love goes out to all mommies around the world. It’s so incredible to be part of this amazing tribe. I just want to say thank you for all the love and support I have received since my son was born. It means so much to me🙏🏻❤️ I encourage you to be proud of yourself and your own individual journey through motherhood. This is definitely the hardest, yet most rewarding job I have ever experienced, and I commend all of us for jumping in and raising our tiny humans the best we know how.
Thank you so much for reading my update and following along on our journey.
So much love,
Amy
Oh Amy. This was me after having my son. I was a first time Mum. I had never really had anything to do with babies, being an only child with family abroad. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing! I failed at breastfeeding and my son was miserable all the time, unless I was carrying him around. I attempted to join an exercise class with a crèche but he wouldn’t settle so I had to give up. In my mind, my life was ruined and all because of this baby. I resented my husband whose life hadn’t really changed a great deal (we divorced eventually). He still went off to work and had his social life. Tom is now 31 years old and we have a really close and special relationship. I adore him! You’re not alone and you’re doing an amazing job! There’s no training for motherhood; it seems like we’re just expected to know. And you’re tired! Constantly! It will improve. Sending hugs from the UK. Xxx
First of all. I want to thank you for sharing your experience with PPD. I am a therapist and I see lots of women who suffer PPD long after giving birth. My PPD didn’t present in the traditional manner such as detachment or feeling overwhelmed, but instead I felt almost too attached to the point that I was so sad every day that time felt like it was going too fast. My baby just turned one and I still feel this way…my husband came home from work on our daughter’s first birthday and I was sobbing on the couch and holding her while she slept 🙈. I love the effort you’re making to live in the present. This is difficult for so many, and is something I’ve always struggled with. My parents say that when we would be on vacation when I was little, I would cry after the first few days were over bc I felt like the whole vacation was over. I’m working on this right now bc I never want to look back and say I didn’t enjoy every second with our little girl. You are very brave for seeking and accepting help and you have very good self-awareness and insight to know that you needed some medication to stabilize your mood AND that you must put in your own efforts to heal outside of the medication. I see many clients who expect medication to do all the work and that’s just not the case; we must do our part too. Anyway, I am so grateful to you for your honesty in your blog. I’ve commented on here in the past bc I feel we’ve had some of the same struggles after having our babies (our daughter was born about 6 months after Lennox). You are helping so many women by normalizing PPD and the feelings that go along with it and you should be so proud of yourself. You’re an amazing mama! Ps- Lennox is so cute!
Amy, it’s so hard to imagine you, of all people, being so sad. It’s heartbreaking. But that’s how depression is, isn’t it? Our coping mechanism is a frantic fight to appear happy and well on the outside, so the world doesn’t know what’s darkening us on the inside. I know depression isn’t ‘sadness’ — it’s more than that, and different. Quite often it’s chemical or hormonal in nature, so it’s much harder to overcome than sadness.
You always seem bright and shiny and full of the joy of being alive. I love that about you. I know that you know the blessings you have in your life. Lennox is one of the biggest and best of them. I am glad that you seem to be emerging from the darkness, and hope that will continue for you.
No sage advice. No useful experiences to relate — not specifically about post-partum depression, anyway. 🙂 But I will pray for you and your beautiful family. God bless and keep you. Thank you for sharing all of this with all of us.
So very brave of you to be this open Amy. Love is deeper, richer, wider & taller when we are honest. You have always had my best thoughts & prayers. So proud of you for sharing and helping others. Day by day we walk the walk, but you truly build others while coping. All my hearts best wishes x