Screaming at night. 😔

For the past two weeks, Lennox has been waking up anywhere from midnight to 3am, screaming to come into mommy and daddy’s bed. Last night was one of the worst I’ve experienced so far. He woke up at midnight, so I went in and soothed him back to sleep. (Mind you, this takes about an hour.) He woke up at 3am, I went in and soothed him back to sleep. He woke up at 6am and wanted Stanley. He kept saying, “I want Stanley. I miss Stanley.” A little piece of me died inside. I burst into tears telling my son that I wanted Stanley, too. That I, too, missed Stanley so much… I wanted to be strong for my baby boy, but I could not stop the tears from flowing. Something about hearing his little voice begging for his dog that he can no longer see with his eyes just ripped open a piece of my heart. A piece of my heart that I thought had somewhat scabbed over.

The past few weeks have been really challenging, but last night took it to a whole new level for me. When I look at this photo I of course see my sweet Stanley happily resting on my lap, but I also see someone who is really never “off-duty.” As parents are we ever really off-duty? Even when we are sleeping, unless maybe we are on a vacation without our children, are we ever off-duty? No, I don’t think we are. One ear is always listening for my son who may be crying out and needing me. I definitely don’t sleep as soundly as I did before being a mommy. When I saw this photo tonight I was blown away by the irony. Like, who is this girl relaxing with a glass of wine, wearing a shirt that says, “off duty” with sweet Stanley on her lap? Just a few years ago feels light years away. I definitely don’t feel like I’m ever “off-duty,” and Stanley will never sleep on my lap again. Gosh that hurts… I’m a bit all over the place here, I’m sorry! I hope you can follow what I’m trying to say…

Back to Lennox waking up at night! He was sick a couple months ago and I brought him into our bed for a week to monitor his fever and be close to him. Extra precaution. Did I love snuggling with my baby all night? Of course I did. But even though we have a California king size bed, no one really slept. I’m a very light sleeper and the slightest movement wakes me up. If I am exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open, I’m not going to be able to take care of my family the way I want to. My husband and Lennox didn’t sleep very well either. Lennox had some dark circles around his eyes which let me know that he was in lack of sleep as well. All that being said, it created a pattern that we have been trying to break ever since.

Night after night, Lennox screaming to come into our bed every couple hours has been absolutely exhausting. I gave in so many times but it just made things worse. At first I thought it was night terrors which I now understand to be something completely different. But after speaking to our pediatrician and his teachers I am aware that that is not what it is. He’s completely coherent and articulate about what he wants. For the longest time it was that he wanted to be in mommy and daddy’s bed. Now he is saying he wants a bigger bed. I’m so grateful that he’s able to tell me what he wants. I’m starting to look for a new bed for Lennox, but in the meantime, I pray that his crib will bring him some comfort until we get his big boy bed. Hopefully he has sweet dreams of Stanley, too. 🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻

I want to make sure and be clear to all of you reading this, that I am in no way bashing co-sleeping. I’m simply saying that it’s not something we have done regularly, and it’s clear to me now that it does not work for us. I respect every family and all the ways we choose to run our own households… Have your kids gone through similar situations? How have you dealt with these transitions? I’d really love some advice!

Xoxo

Amy